In my head is an endless play list of songs going. The soundtrack to my life. I don't sing well at all, but I can hear a song once and almost memorize the entire thing. I love music.
Sometimes, God uses the strangest ways to speak to us. Often times He uses my soundtrack to speak to me. This morning as I was getting ready for church I asked my daughter if my outfit looked stupid. As a 13 year old girl, she knows more about fashion than I do. Why do I even care what I look like? It has taken 2 hours to get ready already. I am fighting fatigue and pain today. Overwhelming fatigue. I have had to sit and rest after doing the smallest thing. Very frustrating. I just want to look pretty today. People say that doing your hair and makeup help you feel better. I guess people aren't always right.
When I come back in my bathroom what song comes on? Beautiful by Bethany Dillon. How it spoke to my soul this morning. I have been struggling with loneliness lately. When I don't feel well I tend to distance myself from everyone. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to really notice. It's true: out of sight, out of mind. Do you like my pity party I am having? Nice, huh? Well, I'm so glad God doesn't let me dwell on myself too long. This song, Beautiful, talks about trying to keep every one's attention. It says "thought I could be strong, but it's killing me. Someone hear my cry, I'm dying for new life. I want to be beautiful. To make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, and be amazed. I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough. Just want to be worthy of love, and beautiful."
God hears our heart's cry. He doesn't just leave us there in our brokenness. The song ends by turning the focus off of herself and on to God. "You make me beautiful. You make me stand in awe. You stepped in side my heart, and I am amazed. I love to hear you say, who I am is quite enough. You make me worthy of love, and beautiful."
What am I putting my focus on? Am I chasing what matters? Why am I constantly looking toward the world and others for validation? I will never get what I think I need. I will never find that acceptance, and unconditional love. However, God sees what man cannot sees. He sees my heart, and only He can complete it and make me beautiful. I hear Jesus calling me to live like I'm called. I haven't been lately. I've been too focused on my own afflictions, and feeding my depression. I want my soundtrack to be nothing but praise songs to Him.
It is all about perspective. Time to turn my focus off of myself. I'm sure I will have to tell myself this over and over and over again today, and tomorrow and the next day. It is a never ending process. Sanctification isn't easy. It's quite painful and uncomfortable at times. I know this place is not my home. One day I will have complete healing, and will dance before my Jesus without pain, and without being self-conscience.